Ramble

 How do I know what I think is right? What if I'm wrong? 

I've thought about it a lot on how I'd kill myself. I'm too chicken for a knife or razor ironically. I'd rather not be found with my brains blown out. 

I'd either starve myself to death or take a shit ton of pills. I've tried previously a few years back with pills, only david knows that. And more recently this year I've tried a knife. Again only david knows this. 

I feel like I need to do something in regards to this whether it's therapy, mental institution or what I don't know. Honestly I've thought about committing myself since the most recent time. 

I don't really pray because I don't find it extremely helpful. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. 

Some days I'm able to snap out of my suicidal thoughts because either I remember or david tells me that he loves me and if I killed myself david would feel awful and that it was his fault he couldn't help. Other days, not often, I feel as though what's the point? Maybe he doesn't mean it and never has. 

I know he loves me and that it's just thoughts that are hurting me and they aren't true. 

Some days I wonder if he will ever get tired of this and just leave. It can't be healthy to have a crisis once a week.