Small moments

 I feel like there is days I'm faking everything. And this could mean an array of things from being happy to fake flashbacks to traumatic experiences. I hate thinking I could possibly fake something so horrible like that. 

It's not okay and not something to be joked about. 

I feel like I've had so many small traumatic moments I became numb to in the moment and was fine til it unlocked I guess in my head. 

So many small things that some days I feel like led to one big traumatic event. Like it was the universe or God or whatever saying ok here's a small taste of this, but wait a few years and it will be bigger next time. 

In second grade there was this girl I was friends with and like we always hung out in this tunnel thing at recess and I remember one day she asked me what colour my panties were. I remember laughing cause it was silly so I told her abd she told me hers. The next day same thing what colour. This would go on for a few days and it wasn't weird cause we were both okay with it. 

I was taught you never let boys touch you. But what about girls? Obviously it wasn't an issue or thought in my mom's head. I remember telling her that her hand was cold and I didn't like it. She was nice about it. I never told anyone. Why would I, no one was hurt or scared and she asked nicely. 

Years later to my first boyfriend, we were cuddling a little in his car and he was on top. I remember feeling his hand slowly move up my leg closer and thinking woah there that's a no no. But I remember freezing up and he noticed and stopped and asked me what's up? Obviously being only 16 and way inexperienced I was not about to say please don't touch me. Instead I said my hair got caught on the seat. This gave me a chance to fiddle with my hands for a moment to"untangle" my hair. 

Both instances nothing bad happened that hurt me in a huge way. Just small moments that lasted at most a day or two. 

But because of them I feel as those they led to the bigger moment and some days I wonder if I told someone about them if it would have prevented risky stuff.