Kenzie's Innermost thoughts

 I've spent all day running from my head, trying to keep busy so as to not let it catch up.  I left a friend's party early because it started to catch up.  I ignored eating because it meant I had time to think.  At the end of the night I'm here alone trapped in my thoughts wanting to shut down.  You can't run forever. They will catch up.

 How do I know what I think is right? What if I'm wrong?  I've thought about it a lot on how I'd kill myself. I'm too chicken for a knife or razor ironically. I'd rather not be found with my brains blown out.  I'd either starve myself to death or take a shit ton of pills. I've tried previously a few years back with pills, only david knows that. And more recently this year I've tried a knife. Again only david knows this.  I feel like I need to do something in regards to this whether it's therapy, mental institution or what I don't know. Honestly I've thought about committing myself since the most recent time.  I don't really pray because I don't find it extremely helpful. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.  Some days I'm able to snap out of my suicidal thoughts because either I remember or david tells me that he loves me and if I killed myself david would feel awful and that it was his fault he couldn't help. Other days, not often,

 I feel like there is days I'm faking everything. And this could mean an array of things from being happy to fake flashbacks to traumatic experiences. I hate thinking I could possibly fake something so horrible like that.  It's not okay and not something to be joked about.  I feel like I've had so many small traumatic moments I became numb to in the moment and was fine til it unlocked I guess in my head.  So many small things that some days I feel like led to one big traumatic event. Like it was the universe or God or whatever saying ok here's a small taste of this, but wait a few years and it will be bigger next time.  In second grade there was this girl I was friends with and like we always hung out in this tunnel thing at recess and I remember one day she asked me what colour my panties were. I remember laughing cause it was silly so I told her abd she told me hers. The next day same thing what colour. This would go on for a few days and it wasn't weird cause we

  One of my struggles in life is eating. I have an eating disorder called anorexia. What that is basically I don't eat food for extended periods of time.  It's not a good thing. For me personally it's been an off and on thing. I'll have a good couple of years and then really go bad and not do good.  I've had this be a thing I've struggled with since I was 8. I dont remember what the cause or reason for it was. I just remember thinking this would help me feel better about myself. It never did.  In the past year I've had my Boyfriend, David help me when I'm not wanting to eat. And I greatly appreciate it and I know there was times I would get frustrated by his attempts and remember thinking, "look I said I don't want to eat and I still don't so just stop it!" I'm honestly glad he never gave up and still hasn't given up on me and continues to help me with this. 

I'll attempt to update this as much as possible.  This will be a documentation of my life as it is just starting out. Well I guess I've been alive for a while but like an adult not long only about a year at this point in time. I'm still learning. I'm not quite sure what I'll put here. I guess some basic information should suffice.  My name is M'Kenzie Ashe. I go by Kenzie or Kenz. Actually now that I think about it pretty much everyone has a different nickname for me. Depending on the person I'm Kenz, Kemz, kenzie ann(not my middle btw), lulu, husband, etc.  I have a betta fish I talk to all the time named Zuko(yes I got it from ATLA). He's a pretty boy of blue and green and a small patch of magenta.  I love horror and bring scared and I love learning about it. Serial killers fascinate me. In particular the Zodiac killer. I actually read an article this morning (12/12/20) that a second cipher of his was solved and that's amazing! That means now 2 of