Kenzie's Innermost thoughts

 One of my worries as a child.  I won't make it to 16.  Now I'm scared it's 20

 I'm torn between school and moving. School or moving. Moving or school.  At this point I'm registered and have my schedule and financial aid for tution and just barely applied for housing which took pretty much what I had saved for my total housing costs just for the application fee and deposit. It feels ridiculous to pay a deposit for something I'm not living in yet. So back to square one of $0. Basically I have 3 months to save a few thousand dollars. On top of paying for bills. I work 2 low paying jobs that provide 2 small paychecks. I shouldn't complain. 3 months ago I didn't have a job. I didn't know what to do. I had gone to multiple interviews and gotten no response. I had thought I might go live in my car. I still think this.  Say I can do it, and earn the money for school I need. I move up there and go to school. Except now once again I have no job and still have bills.  I'm going to try to be smart. And pay a large sum for bills that way when I...

 Since I was in about 1st grade I've had a journal... now how often I update it is a whole other story. Here is some random entries from my journals word for word. May 25, 2009 - Age 7 TUESDAY Soon we will move to Airazonena!  (There is a correction at the bottom on how Arizona is really spelled) June 7, 2009 - Age 7 Yesterday it was Brady's Birthday and my uncle Mike's Baptisim and my uncle Mike he did't have a baptisim when he was 8 and soon my dad will get a job.  (The last part is in reference to my step dad aka my mother's second husband, and also yikes, that's a little heavy for a 7 year old) Nov. 1st, 2009 - Age 8 It almost Thanksgiving. It the 26th of nov. I am 8 years old. So it 27 more days! (as you can tell, my math is a little off, unfortunately there is a tally thing showing I did indeed count the days to Thanksgiving.)  Sept 20, 2010 - Age 8 Dear Diary, In day (clearly there was something important but not quite sure what) June 14, 2011 - Age ...

 It's all in your head.  Thank God it's Friday cause Fridays are better than Sundays cause Sundays are my suicide days  I'm going up in a fucking drag  Why? Why do we worry  I've created a monster  Why do good girls like bad guys  The way you look at me when you're on your knees Just a few of the random song lines from different songs that have been playing on repeat all day today

 Some days it's expected and known that it will not be a good day. Maybe on those days I acted out more because I knew it wouldn't be a good day to begin with.  Some days it startles me at how pleasant she is towards me.  The only time I knew her to hold a grudge was August 20, 2018.  It had been a long day and through encouragement from my best friend and my boyfriend at the time, I had decided to tell my parents I was Bisexual. I knew how my mom would react-like I'm a nutcase. My dad I was scared and didn't know. So I had messaged him first and told him and was basically told,"it doesn't matter to me as long as you're happy. Im glad to have such an awesome daughter and I'm really proud of you." He also had mentioned wishing to be there when I told mom because in his words she is going to flip her lid.  I waited several hours. Around 9pm ish I decided to tell her. My exact words were, goodnight mom oh by the way I'm Bisexual.  Maybe I should h...

 I've spent all day running from my head, trying to keep busy so as to not let it catch up.  I left a friend's party early because it started to catch up.  I ignored eating because it meant I had time to think.  At the end of the night I'm here alone trapped in my thoughts wanting to shut down.  You can't run forever. They will catch up.

 How do I know what I think is right? What if I'm wrong?  I've thought about it a lot on how I'd kill myself. I'm too chicken for a knife or razor ironically. I'd rather not be found with my brains blown out.  I'd either starve myself to death or take a shit ton of pills. I've tried previously a few years back with pills, only david knows that. And more recently this year I've tried a knife. Again only david knows this.  I feel like I need to do something in regards to this whether it's therapy, mental institution or what I don't know. Honestly I've thought about committing myself since the most recent time.  I don't really pray because I don't find it extremely helpful. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.  Some days I'm able to snap out of my suicidal thoughts because either I remember or david tells me that he loves me and if I killed myself david would feel awful and that it was his fault he couldn't help. Other days, not often, ...