Kenzie's Innermost thoughts

 It's all in your head.  Thank God it's Friday cause Fridays are better than Sundays cause Sundays are my suicide days  I'm going up in a fucking drag  Why? Why do we worry  I've created a monster  Why do good girls like bad guys  The way you look at me when you're on your knees Just a few of the random song lines from different songs that have been playing on repeat all day today

 Some days it's expected and known that it will not be a good day. Maybe on those days I acted out more because I knew it wouldn't be a good day to begin with.  Some days it startles me at how pleasant she is towards me.  The only time I knew her to hold a grudge was August 20, 2018.  It had been a long day and through encouragement from my best friend and my boyfriend at the time, I had decided to tell my parents I was Bisexual. I knew how my mom would react-like I'm a nutcase. My dad I was scared and didn't know. So I had messaged him first and told him and was basically told,"it doesn't matter to me as long as you're happy. Im glad to have such an awesome daughter and I'm really proud of you." He also had mentioned wishing to be there when I told mom because in his words she is going to flip her lid.  I waited several hours. Around 9pm ish I decided to tell her. My exact words were, goodnight mom oh by the way I'm Bisexual.  Maybe I should h...

 I've spent all day running from my head, trying to keep busy so as to not let it catch up.  I left a friend's party early because it started to catch up.  I ignored eating because it meant I had time to think.  At the end of the night I'm here alone trapped in my thoughts wanting to shut down.  You can't run forever. They will catch up.

 How do I know what I think is right? What if I'm wrong?  I've thought about it a lot on how I'd kill myself. I'm too chicken for a knife or razor ironically. I'd rather not be found with my brains blown out.  I'd either starve myself to death or take a shit ton of pills. I've tried previously a few years back with pills, only david knows that. And more recently this year I've tried a knife. Again only david knows this.  I feel like I need to do something in regards to this whether it's therapy, mental institution or what I don't know. Honestly I've thought about committing myself since the most recent time.  I don't really pray because I don't find it extremely helpful. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.  Some days I'm able to snap out of my suicidal thoughts because either I remember or david tells me that he loves me and if I killed myself david would feel awful and that it was his fault he couldn't help. Other days, not often, ...

 I feel like there is days I'm faking everything. And this could mean an array of things from being happy to fake flashbacks to traumatic experiences. I hate thinking I could possibly fake something so horrible like that.  It's not okay and not something to be joked about.  I feel like I've had so many small traumatic moments I became numb to in the moment and was fine til it unlocked I guess in my head.  So many small things that some days I feel like led to one big traumatic event. Like it was the universe or God or whatever saying ok here's a small taste of this, but wait a few years and it will be bigger next time.  In second grade there was this girl I was friends with and like we always hung out in this tunnel thing at recess and I remember one day she asked me what colour my panties were. I remember laughing cause it was silly so I told her abd she told me hers. The next day same thing what colour. This would go on for a few days and it wasn't weird cause...

  One of my struggles in life is eating. I have an eating disorder called anorexia. What that is basically I don't eat food for extended periods of time.  It's not a good thing. For me personally it's been an off and on thing. I'll have a good couple of years and then really go bad and not do good.  I've had this be a thing I've struggled with since I was 8. I dont remember what the cause or reason for it was. I just remember thinking this would help me feel better about myself. It never did.  In the past year I've had my Boyfriend, David help me when I'm not wanting to eat. And I greatly appreciate it and I know there was times I would get frustrated by his attempts and remember thinking, "look I said I don't want to eat and I still don't so just stop it!" I'm honestly glad he never gave up and still hasn't given up on me and continues to help me with this. 

I'll attempt to update this as much as possible.  This will be a documentation of my life as it is just starting out. Well I guess I've been alive for a while but like an adult not long only about a year at this point in time. I'm still learning. I'm not quite sure what I'll put here. I guess some basic information should suffice.  My name is M'Kenzie Ashe. I go by Kenzie or Kenz. Actually now that I think about it pretty much everyone has a different nickname for me. Depending on the person I'm Kenz, Kemz, kenzie ann(not my middle btw), lulu, husband, etc.  I have a betta fish I talk to all the time named Zuko(yes I got it from ATLA). He's a pretty boy of blue and green and a small patch of magenta.  I love horror and bring scared and I love learning about it. Serial killers fascinate me. In particular the Zodiac killer. I actually read an article this morning (12/12/20) that a second cipher of his was solved and that's amazing! That means now 2 of ...